I feel sick to my stomach.
I feel some immense amount of loss.
What could I be missing?
I am listening to Glee songs and I feel so much for that boy, one of them, who died so young. At the same time, I know, he is in a better place. Down here it is mostly doom. Even for a glass-half-full type.
I am a glass-half-empty type. So, you suffer, a lot. I see all that is missing, that needs fixing, that needs reinvented.
This trait of high sensitivity nurtures our creativity and social activism, but also brings challenges. Psychologist Elaine Aron and others describe it as a more finely tuned nervous system. She explains,
“It means you are aware of subtleties in your surroundings, a great advantage in many situations. It also means you are more easily overwhelmed…”
Sometimes, I feel emotions with such depth that I just want to tear my skin off so to get out.
Woody Allen said: “Stop the world I wanna get out!”
And I have no control over any of this. I cannot control how much I feel. I cannot block it. But when I do that, I block it all, I make all of it unavailable for me.
When I look around I experience a huge amount of details, I feel the pain of the child unheld, I notice the tear of the border guard who cannot offer his arms … I am in touch with the tiniest details of whatever I turn my attention to.
My way out is either blocking the stimuli or blocking the surfacing of my emotional reactions down to one single emotions: anger. Anger hides me and protects me from an outburst of deep feelings I have no control over. I try and stop the influx of unmanageable emotions that I cannot channel anywhere, as they appear, I run, preferably out of my skin.
However, I also know, that these emotions make me truly hu-man, a person that is one with God.
The loss I am feeling, I just realized, is the unfelt and unexpressed depth of emotions. Where to channel them, though?
“Those who do not weep, do not see.” (Les Miserables)